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From: pHant <[email protected]>
Newsgroups: alt.hackers.malicious
Subject: Sn1ffed Chat Log 21
Followup-To: alt.hackers.malicious,alt.jedi-of-ro0t
Date: Wed, 28 Feb 2001 15:59:42 +1000
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M: A little fresh air, that's what I need. And some donuts. Sure hope
Kavthleen doesn't call cuz I'm not taking that damned cell phone with
me on my walk. <turns answering machine off> No calls. No more phone
today.

<flips phone at a pudgy cellulited bird> Here's to you, Rikijo!

................ Shit, I don't know why, but I feel NERVOUS as fuck!
My blood sugar must be low.................

Pedestrian: HEY LARD ASS! Watch where you're going!

M: Oh! Sorry, ma'am - can I help you up?

P: Piss OFF! And join Jenny Craig!

M: Beg your pardon!!!!...............WHOA!

Pedestrian #2: You FAT BASTARD! You done turned over my momma's
wheelchair! I'll sue you seven ways to Sunday, you clumsy circus
freak--

M: <brandishes a $500 bill> Here. Sorry. I didn't see your mother or
her wheelchair.

P #2: She was in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk! You WERE the sidewalk!

M: <forks over another $500> I apologize. It was an accident.

P #2: YOU were an accident! Now get outta my way. The fucking earth
trembles every time you move!

M: Shit ....... these people have NO manners. Personally, I blame
Oprah Winfrey for that, all this lose weight, take off inches, burn
your carbs, build up your fucking aerobic pulse rate ........ what a
load of crap! Some people are just big-boned. And I'm HUNGRY.......
eat that, Oprah .....................

<edges sideways into bakery> Hello! Anyone home! Can I get
some service here, please?

Anorexic clerk: Yeah.

M: <squints at counter display> Uh, this IS the bakery, right? Where
are the donuts?

AC: We may have a few fat-free Slimnuts in the back, I'll go check.

M: No! What the hell is a Slimnut?

AC: A fat-free, flourless, naturally-sweetened donut.

M: <gag> No. Thanks. How about those cookies, what kind are they?
<points>

AC: Our specialty! Sugar-free carob chip cookies, no fat and only 4
calories per cookie. Made fresh daily.

M: <wheeze> Let me put it another way - do you have any real bakery
goods in this uh - BAKERY?

AC: Yes, SIR! We have muffins. Oat bran, apple bran and all bran.

M: All SHIT! <clears throat> Is there ANOTHER bakery nearby?

AC: Hmmm ...... no. But there's a juice bar three doors down and they
have homemade granola bars.

M: Never mind. <wedges out door, ass lodges firmly in doorframe> Uh
....... uh . . . one, two, three! <removes ass from architecture,
knocks down five children on sidewalk> Sorry! Sorry, kids!

Kids: Waaaah! Momma! This fat man pushed us DOWN!

M: I'm so sorry, ma'am.

Mom: <looks -M up and down scathingly> I think Junior may have
whiplash.

M: <reaches in pocket, hands over two $500 bills> I apologize. Sorry,
kids! It was an accident. I was stuck in the doorway and --- uh, I
need to be on my way now!

<waddles down street, seismic activity registered by US Meteorology
Center>

Ah, a sidewalk vendor! Well, I can at least get a
dozen Snickers bars. Whew!

Vendor: Help you?

M: Snickers. Payday. Almond Joy. M&Ms.

V: NutriGrain snack bars. Cherry or apple?

M: DAMN! I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!! <glances around in disbelief> Jogging.
Rollerblades. Power walking. A man could starve to death in this
neighborhood! ................

<trudges back home>

I just spent two thou and don't have so much as a
Hershey's kiss to show for it! And thanks to the <spit> Jedi, cash
flow is tight. I may have to call John Blau for a fucking loan ......

<turns key in door, startles at extremely high volume drumbeat> What
the fuck is THAT?

G: Marty? Is that you?

M: Jason? Is that YOU? <screaming over cacophony>

G: It's me. You live here?

M: <sob> Yes. There's no escape.

G: What was that?

M: Oh! Jason, I was trying to find some donuts or cookies but the
whole neighborhood is on a health fad. Hope you brought your own stash
if you have a sweet tooth.

G: Got dope?

M: No!

G: That's a real shame, man. I would have swapped you some of my
BoDean's Cajun Pudding.

M: Is it sweet?

G: It's even sweeter than sugar.

M: Well, look. I don't have any dope, but I DO have cash. Say, could
you turn the volume down a little?

G: If you got the dough, I got the pudding. Come on in, man.


--

pH1