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From: pHant <[email protected]>
Newsgroups: alt.hackers.malicious
Subject: Sn1ffed Chat Log 25
Followup-To: alt.hackers.malicious,alt.jedi-of-ro0t
Date: Wed, 28 Feb 2001 18:51:37 +1000
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Pilot: Weather conditions in the Miami area are sunny, with temps in
the mid-eighties and high humidity. We're awaiting clearance for
takeoff.

M: Hey! I need a seatbelt extender!

Flight Attendant: Sir, you need another seat.

M: I already paid for two seats! Get me an extension, I can't buckle
these two!

Flight Attendant Supervisor: Sir, I apologize. But you will need to
pay for a third seat.

M: This is first class! What do you expect me to do, hang across the
aisle?

FAS: No. You will have to travel COACH.

M: COACH? I've never been there? How bad is it?

FAS: Very comfortable, sir. Just slightly less space and a snack
instead of an entree.

M: FUH-FUDGE!!!

FAS: Sorry, no fudge. I think the snack includes an Andes mint. Now
we'll need a credit card and two forms of identification for the third
ticket .

M: <rifles through wallet and flashes V.I.P. Diners Card>

............................................................


FA: Sir, come with me, please. I have your ROW prepared in coach.

FAS: Fasten your seatbelt and I'll be coming by after takeoff to
collect your extra fare.

M: Okay. No problem. <follows FA meekly, head down>

P: Flight attendants, please fasten your seat belts at this time for
takeoff.

M: WHOA!!!!!

FA: <smothered scream> Get OFF me! Now!

M: I didn't mean to fall on you. I'm sorry. Hey......... are you
married? What's your name?

FA: HELP!!!!!!

FAS <attempts to look around>: Sorry, not until the all-clear signal
is given by the captain. What seems to be the problem?

P: All clear, ladies and gentleman. Enjoy your flight. Please observe
the lovely view of the Harbor.........why, I can see the Yacht Club
over on the left, and a pretty nice view of the Marina ..........

FAS: YOU. Get OFF my flight attendant now. Get in your SEATS this
minute.

<turns to FA> Are you all right, my dear?

FA: I'm going to file a complaint and a request for hazard pay. And he
gets NO Andes mint with the snack.

FAS: Fasten your three seatbelts immediately..........no, we do not
serve alcohol in coach. Don't cause any more problems for me, you
obese, disgusting WANKER!

M: <pays for tickets and falls into a post- Cajun pudding mini-coma>
Huh? Whassup?

FA: Your honey-roasted peanuts. THAT is your snack.

M: <bloated fingers uselessly grapple cellophane> Fuck. One package of
peanuts, can't open the damn thing. I guess I know who NOT to ask for
help. <presses flight attendant alert> I need a phone, please.

FA: <sniff> Soi-tanly!

M: Operator, I need to place a sat call to Florida, to the
BuZZard...............thank YOU .......... Buzz? It's me. Marty. I'm
on my way back. In fact, I'm on the plane now.

B: I don' believe it! You callin' the BuZZard from an airplane? Nobody
ever did THAT before!

M: Hey, how's it going, man?

B: Not bad, dude. How's by you?

M: Well, I need your help, Buzz.

B: Yo. HowZ can I help ya?

M: First, I need to open something.

B: The BuZZard ain't a hacker, man.

M: No, but you can CRACK stuff, can't you? See, I got a bag of peanuts
and I can't tear the fucking thing open. They held my Andes mint
because---

B: Oh, you wantZ the BuZZ to help you out crack your bag of peanuts. I
don't Z'pose you got a poop-stick or anything like that to poke it
with handy?

M: <gag> NO, I don't have a stick.

B: Well, that would be the eaZiest way. So just put the bag between
yer TEEFZ and rip it with your hand--

M: It worked! It worked! <garbling through entire contents of package
in mouth> Buzz! You da man! Want to work for me?

B: How iZZit the BuZZ can work for you?

M: I need a detective. I'll give you on-the-job training. I need you
to track down INTEL on my spankards and trolls.

B: I dunno if I can do that shiZZit.

M: It doesn't have to be accurate. It doesn't have to be true. I'll
teach you how to do it, then pay you to do it!

B: Well, I could use the extra bucks, man. My water bill is too high
cause the last two poop-sticks broke in action.

M: You are HIRED! I'll call you again as soon as I'm in the hotel!

B: pHanks, man!

<RRRRRRRRRRRRRIPPPPPPPPPP>

FAS: <gagging> What was THAT?

FA: That <choke> is HIS flatulence!

FAS: Do you mean to say he farted on my plane?

FA: Yes!

M: <grins sheepishly> I couldn't help it! It just slipped out.

<squirms>

<RRRRRRRRIPPPPPPPPPPPP!>

FAS: <grabs intercom> All coach passengers, please reach for the mask
overhead and inhale until further notice. Do NOT - I repeat - do NOT
attempt to breathe the cabin air at this time!
...........................................................Do you have
any idea how much this flight is going to end up costing you? Every
FART has a FINE. And you will pay as soon as we deplane.

M: For an ACCIDENT?

FA: It WASN'T an accident, corpulent gasbag!

FAS: You will NEVER fly this airline again. Do you understand?

M: Sorry. <smiles> I am sorry, ladies.

FAS: <on intercom> Please use the plastic bags above your laptrays if
you should feel the need to vomit.

P: We will be making an emergency landing in fifteen minutes. The
cabin has airborne toxins and breathing these fumes may be hazardous
to your health. We will attempt to land at sea because of this urgent
situation. Hang in there, folks, and we apologize for this
interruption in the flight schedule.............



--

pH1