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From: pHant <[email protected]>
Newsgroups: alt.hackers.malicious
Subject: Sn1ffed Chat Log 26
Followup-To: alt.hackers.malicious,alt.jedi-of-ro0t
Date: Thu, 01 Mar 2001 11:31:19 +1000
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Copilot: Damn it! Bob, the plane is porpoising! Check the slats NOW!

Bob the Pilot: I'm losing control! <intercom on> Miami-Dade, Flight
f4tfuC to air traffic control, please acknowledge. Emergency!

C: Bob! Is that sat radar fuh-uh-BROKEN? We're nowhere near --

Air Traffic Control: f4tfuC, this is SEATAC. You are approaching our
airspace rapidly. You are DEFINATELY nowhere near Florida.

Bob: Check the aelerons NOW! Are they trimmed? Damn it, this is worse
than a roller coaster!

From Coach: <RRRRRRRIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPPPP>

ATC: Uh, f4tfuC, come in, please.........

<CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!>

Regional FAA ATC: Federal Aviation, attention all aircraft! This is
an EMERGENCY! Repeat - this is NOT a drill. EMERGENCY!

Copilot: <pisses pants> This is my act of contrition---

P: SHUT UP! <grips controls and hangs on tightly>

FAA: Extreme seismic activity has forced shutdown of SEATAC, standby
for further advisories. All aircraft approaching SEATAC, vector 360
NOW!!

From Coach: <RRRRRRRIPPPPPPPP>

P: Is that the earthquake? In COACH?

FAS: No, Captain. It's that horridly-disEASED, morbidly-OBESE problem
passenger, Fartin-Martin-something. Everytime he farts, we lose
navigational control.

CP: Oh my GOD! Look at the EPA radar! The plane is now considered a
biohazardous waste zone!

P: How can this be---

<MEGA-SHAKE>

CP: <sobs> It's him! It's him! His farts activated a fault line and
now we're gonna crash!

Bob: <looks right> I can see buildings collapsing! <looks at control
panel> We're losing cabin pressure!

FAA: Flight f4tfuC! Acknowledge! You have a critical mass in coach.

Bob: f4tfuC!

FAA: Reduce your speed NOW, f4tfuC! Vector 180S, 100E immediately.
DAMN IT! Somebody hacked our website last week and I can't access the
index.htm
file!

FAS: Check for defaced.htm.

FAA: Whew! Thank YOU, madame!

Bob: Sir! Everytime he farts, the jet fuel is accelerated! I CAN'T
SLOW THE DAMN PLANE DOWN!

FAA: Then pass out the parachutes immediately. You don't have a second
to lose.

FAS: Sir, we have no parachutes left. We ran out of barf bags an hour
ago, after the gas fumes penetrated the oxygen masks.

Bob: We have no parachutes, sir! The entire aircraft is a toxic waste
container!

CP: We're all gonna die, we're all gonna die, we're all gonna ---

FAS: <slaps CP> Shut up!

FAA: f4tfuC, requesting emergency landing at Oshawa Municipal Airport
- hold, please - OK, f4tfuC, the runway is being cleared now. We'll
talk you through this. Estimated arrival - T-minus oh-three-point-one
and oh three, oh-two-point-nine--

From Coach: OSHAWA? OSHAWA?

FAS: Shut UP, you disgusting unnatural DISASTER! <clears throat,
presses intercom> Ladies and gentleman. We will be landing in Oshawa
in less than two minutes. Please do NOT remove your seatbelts. Secure
any loose objects under your seats. Lower your heads between your
knees at this time and say your prayers.

OMA: Come in, f4tfuC.

Bob: Oshawa! f4tfuC here.

OMA: Entire concourse has been evacuated. Surrounding buildings
evacuated. Fire and EMS on standby. Permission to land. All systems
go.

CP: <squints at flight attendant> You allowed that disgusting bastard
on this flight, didn't you?

FAS: I had no choice, dickface. I can charge him for three seats but I
can't discriminate against an obese passenger.

P: Approaching concourse T. Oshawa, are you there?

OMA: Yo. Dis be da Jedi of Ro0t! Bring that mofo ON. Joo has clearance
to land immedi-ertly.

M: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!


--

pH1